Finding Self Care on the Journey of Grief — Part Three
A world starts to come crumbling apart ….
The next few days are quite a blur to me. But not because I chose to forget these days. If I could remember everything that happened in the days from my doctor’s appointment to the morning on June 5th, I totally would want to remember. However, it is one of the busiest times of year at school. We have the soon to be 5thgraders coming up for tours, parent’s night for those soon to be 5thgraders, wrapping up a family program with my current families, all of the end of the year events and celebration, and really just a bunch of things that keep everyone busy until the last day of school. What I do remember in those days is that I was just so exhausted that by the time I got home from work, all I wanted to do was rest and put my swollen feet up, snuggle with my pups and husband, veg out in front of the TV, and just get through the last bits of school.
I was too tired to think about anything. I was too tired to even notice that there may be something wrong with my baby. I was too tired to remember that I had this worry … mother’s instinct/intuition kicking in.
On Thursday June 4th, my mom and I went to one of my favorite dairy farms that also has a bakery to order my cake for the baby shower in a couple of weeks. It was all so exciting. My husband and I would be starting our birthing class in less than a week. The baby shower was in 3 weeks. I would be on summer vacation in 4 weeks. And then all I needed to do was nest and prepare for our little boy to arrive.
And as we picked out a simple but perfect cake with blue shoes, we talked. We talked about the baby shower and all that was to come. We talked about the baby registry and if there was anything else I might need. We talked about the hospital bag and starting my birthing class. It was just great talk. The weather was getting hot and my feet were beginning to swell. I remember sharing that a pedicure was in order and maybe after work, I would go and get one. It was great to talk about all the stuff coming up because I look back now and realize that 24 hours later, my entire world and everything I trusted came crashing down. In 24 hours, my life, my husband’s life, our family’s lives would be completely rocked and not in a good way.
When my mom asked how the baby was moving and if my husband had been able to feel the kicks and punches. I shared with her how much he moved but never would cooperate for my husband. But then I said something that will stick with both of us forever. I shared that I felt him move into a different position than he has ever been in. I thought he was breech and his feet toward my back and because of that I just couldn’t really feel him move. There were movements or so I thought but not what I was used to.
My mom shared with me years later that that statement got her really worried. I guess mother’s intuition doesn’t really go away when your child is grown and having her own baby. But she did not want me to freak out completely, so she never said anything to me.
In the early morning hours of June 5th, I woke up to go pee, which was a nightly occurrence, but this time very different. Typically, my little boy was bouncing full of energy in the middle of the night preventing me from getting a good night sleep and causing these middle of the night bathroom trips. But this night, not so much. I remember walking to the bathroom, doing the usual, but instead of going straight back to bed, I grabbed some cheerios and a small glass of OJ. I was hungry. Starving to be exact.
As I sat in bed, in the middle of the night – probably like 3 am – eating my cheerios and drinking my juice, the feeling I had on Monday June 1stcame back. Something is not right. This is just not the normal. But what do I really know, I have never done this pregnancy thing before.
Again, I managed to calm my thoughts enough to get some rest. I needed to be up in a few hours to get ready for work. There was so much to do and the school year was quickly coming to an end. And quickly I told myself to push those thoughts to the side and do what you need to do as you will have plenty of time soon enough to think about this baby.
And Onto Part Four Of This Journey