Finding Self Care on the Journey of Grief — Part Two

Because Parenthood is A Journey

Finding Self Care on the Journey of Grief — Part Two

What happens when you start to quiet that place of instinct and intuition?

My 28-week appointment was on a Monday June 1st.  I had to do my 1-hour glucose test and was a little nervous because I was scheduled in the afternoon.  I learned that most women fail the 1-hour glucose test in the afternoon because they have eaten all day.  But I still kept it and I ate very cautiously.  As soon as I got there, I drank the sugary orange drink that reminded me of flat orange soda and was ready to check another thing off the pregnancy list. Plus, I was officially in my 3rdtrimester and in the home stretch.   

I remember thinking, while drinking straight sugar, this kid loves sugar so this should make him bounce around like a looney toon.  And with that thought I waited for it to kick in and my crazy boy inside my belly to start.

But something just was not right.  Call it what you want but I call it mother’s intuition.  I did not trust it yet but years later, I have learned it was there all along.  So, as I sat in the waiting room for my appointment, a feeling of concern washed over me.  He really is not moving as much as I thought that he would be.  Maybe it is not kicking in as quickly as I thought it would. And I quickly pushed those doubtful thoughts away with a “but what do I know.  This is the first time I am doing this”.  And in reality, he was moving but I just was not feeling him move as much as I thought that I would be. 

It comes time to go in for my appointment and all the routine stuff is done.  They put the cool blue jelly on belly and move around the doppler to find his heartbeat.  It took a few seconds, longer than normal and it felt like forever, until they found his heart beat. But it was there.  It was strong. And again … everything was good.  And I felt good knowing that everything was ok. My doubts were calmed. At least for now.

I remember meeting with my OBGYN and talking about my pregnancy, the baby, and all good things. I was just so excited.  But I just had a nagging feeling that I never spoke up about and truly regret to this day.  I just kept thinking, this kid should be moving like a maniac right now and he just isn’t.  Every once in a while, I would get a good kick or elbow but not like he had been doing just the previous day.  My appointment ended and I went back down for the blood work to be drawn.  I left like every other time.  But this time, things just felt differently.  I could not put my finger on what it exactly was or why but I believe that is why I never said anything.  I just couldn’t explain this feeling I was having.

Everything was good. Or so we thought.

I clearly remember sitting in my car for a few moments debating if I should go back in.  But I kept pushing the thoughts away with my whole “this is your first pregnancy.  If something was wrong they would have said something”.  And I backed out and started on my drive.  On my way home.

My OBGYN’s office was on a section of a major road that you could only get to it one way. I had to drive further down the road to make a U-turn to go back the direction that I wanted to go.  Basically, once I left I still had an opportunity to drive past the office again. I remember driving back on the other side, passing my doctor’s office and thinking “I should just go back. Maybe he can just ease my mind. Something is just off.”

But I like I did before, I quickly calmed my thoughts and feelings and drove home.

Keep On Reading In Part Three About The Rest Of This Journey

2 Responses

  1. Deborah Daly says:

    Kristin, I remember these days as if they were yesterday. Thank you for sharing your story. I don’t know how one heals from such a life event but you are an amazing woman with a great family who supports you. I only hope your words reach so many others. Loads of love and keep writing!! XOXO Deb

    • Kristin says:

      Thank you so much Deb! It is truly unbelievable to be 10 years out on this journey. I am finding lots of healing in writing … so that will be something that continues!

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